What Could Have Been
by beloved firefly
Summary: Willow imagines what might have been had Tara not been killed.


What Could Have Been

Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy or any of the characters…blah blah blah….

Willow sat under a tree. Her bare feet grazed the grass as she concentrated, trying to tap into the earth's energy and spirit. She knew she must learn to control her powers. Going cold turkey hadn't worked…obviously.

She was scared. She could feel her hesitation in everything she did. Nothing she did would ever make up for the pain she had caused and the anger she had unleashed. She had tried to destroy the world.

Everything had changed, including her.

Buffy was out somewhere, probably doing Spike. Dawn was becoming a young woman and Willow wasn't there to see. She had watched Dawn grow up from a young girl and now she was so grown up.

No wait, she hadn't watched it…she just had those memories because of those guys who had made her the human form of the key…

Xander and Anya…who knows where they were. Xander had saved Willow and now she couldn't even see him when she needed him the most. Her best friend in the world probably hated her and that hurt her more than a thousand knives stabbing her in the back.

The realization that her friends probably hated her was surpassed only by one hurt, and that was the loss.

The loss of her soul mate, her love…Tara.

She was trying so hard to do what Giles wanted of her. She was learning with the coven. They were teaching her about the magick's true form and nature and the way they should properly be used and handled. She was learning much more about wicca and the earth and the power inside her.

She should be happy at how much she was learning but deep down she still wanted to end it all. She was so tired of hurting, so tired of the pain she felt every day because of what she had done. She wasn't sure how she could live with it, how she could live without HER. But Willow would find a way.

For her friends, for her family…for Sunnydale.

Every day was full of contrition and repentance for the murder Willow had committed. She had taken someone from the Earth, so now she must live with the consequences and repair the damage that she had done. The damage of taking a human life from the earth. They had pleaded with her to let the police handle it…

"The police wouldn't have handled it," she muttered bitterly, "He would have gotten out quicker than a Popsicle melts in summer…"

She pushed that though out of her mind. Giles had told her the danger of dwelling on the past and the hatred she still had inside of her. She must learn to accept what she had done and move on…

Accept and move on.

But so much damage had been done. She had hurt her friends, she had almost harmed Dawn again, she had taken a human life. She almost ended the entire world.

So much damage…

"But that's not the real damage," she thought, "The real damage is that Tara is gone…"

She closed her eyes and tears began to stream down her face. Maybe she could just imagine…just imagine for one moment…

She almost felt Tara's arms wrap around her and her voice saying, "It will be alright honey."

She cried out in vain, "NO IT WON'T!"

She took a deep breath and pounded her fist against the ground, "Calm…calm…"

She closed her eyes again. She could almost smell Tara behind her…fell her hand on top of hers. She could see it now, she could see their lives as they would have been had Tara not been ripped away…how it could have been…

What should have been.

Tara walked through the door from a long day at work, a bag of groceries by her side as she closed the door and smiled happily. She was wearing one of her long dresses and the smell of fresh air hung about her as if she had been walking through a spring garden.

"She looks gorgeous," thought Willow.

"Willow! Honey I'm home!" she called out, "Business was great the Magic Box today, we're almost all sold out of books on basic magick!"

_Willow saw herself jump up excitedly and kiss her, "Hello baby how was your day?"_

"_Great!" she smiled, dropping the bag to the floor and embracing Willow, "yours?"_

"_Good, business is really picking up," she said excitedly, motioning to her computer, "It's really great!"_

Willow smiled, taking in Tara's beauty.

"_And the kids?" Tara asked._

"_They're upstairs in their room doing their homework," Willow said in her Mr. Matter-of-fact voice as she motioned upstairs and smiled proudly._

"_Hmm," Tara grinned mischievously as she kissed Willow passionately, "That means the mama's can…"_

"_MAMAAAA!" a little redheaded boy exclaimed as he jumped down the stairs._

"He looks like me…" Willow thought.

_Willow and Tara exchanged exasperated glances and smiled at the boy, "Hi Honey how are today?"_

"_Great! Guess what I learned in school!" he said excitedly, looking just like Willow when she got excited._

Willow smiled as she watched herself, Tara and their child go up the stairs to work on his homework.

It was perfect.

What could have been…

Spaghetti sauce was simmering on the stove as noodles cooked in the pan next to it. Tara was at the table with a young blonde girl and the redheaded boy, teaching them about Wicca.

"_All power comes from the earth…" she explained as Willow monitored the cooking._

"She looks so proud of her family," Willow thought.

"_But remember, you must never use your power for your own gain or irresponsibly," Willow told the children, "Your mom here did that once and she learned her lesson, didn't she?"_

"_Yes mom," the kids giggled, they didn't understand the seriousness of what they were studying._

"_I wish they would teach us this in school, it's more interesting than math…" the little girl sighed, looking almost just like Tara as she flipped through the old book on top of the table._

_Willow and Tara laughed and smiled at her as Willow served the food and they all ate, discussing their day, Wicca, and the things regular families do._

What SHOULD have been…

Willow and Tara closed the doors on the children's bedrooms and retreated to their own. Tara picked up a book and turned on the lamp as they got comfortable under the sheets.

"Mmm I could sleep for a thousand years," Willow yawned as she adjusted her pillow, "I'm exhausted!"

"Don't be going all sleeping beauty on me now," Tara smiled, "I would miss you…and where would we find a handsome Prince to wake you up?"

"There's always Xander," Willow laughed jokingly.

They looked at each other and smiled, "Ewwww!"

Tears streamed down Willow's face. No…

Willow lay her head on Tara's shoulder and read the page she was reading in her book. Her eyes glazed over and she draped her arm around Tara's waist.

_She yawned, "Wow, that book looks boring."_

"_Hey!" Tara exclaimed as she looked at Willow, "No reading over my shoulder missy."_

"_Couldn't help it," she grinned as they shared a kiss, "I just got a natural curiosity when it comes to you, you know that."_

_Tara smiled and put the book down and wrapped her arms around Willow._

"_Lets just go to sleep," she whispered as the two women closed their eyes._

"_Mmm," Willow murmured, "Sounds good to me…"_

Willow opened her eyes to reveal reality. Darkness was creeping over her, she could feel it seeping through her veins now.

Anger…Tara shouldn't have gone like that…

Her eyes turned dark the grass at her feet instantly died. She took a few deep breaths, her hair was no longer it's normal red color but now was black as night.

She stood to her feet and yelled, "IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE THAT!" Tears streamed down her face. She felt the power growing inside of her.

The sky around her grew dark and stormy. Lightning flashed in all directions as the hate continued to consumer her and she scowled towards the distance. Thunder rolled and trees swayed. Rain began to fall on her and the wind howled fiercely.

"If Tara couldn't be here, no one should be," she thought as she raised her hand and looked around her. So much destruction in the world…

Suddenly a loud clap of thunder sounded and Willow lost her concentration. She regained her composure and the anger inside of her stopped. Everything turned back to a normal sunny day and Willow collapsed to the ground.

Tears streamed down her face as she stared at the sky, "It's not fair!" She sobbed, "Why me? Why HER?"

She laid upon the ground and cried into it, the drops falling onto the dead grass now beneath her, still singed with energy from her anger.

"I have to control it," she whispered, "I can't keep doing this…the pain…"

She started to sob as she hugged the ground.

Maybe they were wrong.

Maybe she would never get better.

Suddenly she felt a strong hand upon her shoulder and she turned around. A friendly face greeted her and smiled at her, "I'm very proud of you, not a lot of people could have stopped it like that," Giles whispered as she wrapped her arms around him and cried.


End file.
